We fish ewe a beary Chris moose and a hippie reindeer

Holiday happiness to all. There really is nothing like downing a gallon of eggnog and two bottles of wine to get you through Christmas dinner with the family. While we're on the topic of eggnog, who exactly thought an eggy substance and rum would be a good combo? A GENIUS - that's who! Actually I don't really like eggnog, frankly, I'd rather take shots of drano and call it a night; but anyone who can combine two vastly different flavors, call it a "nog," and please the masses, has to be a genius in my book.


I also enjoy how a burning log on TV with Christmas carols in the background can sweep the network ratings for Christmas morning - again, another stroke of brilliance. I'll remember you all when it's my fireplace burning the yule log on TV - don't be jealous - I'll try not to rub it in that my yule log is better than yours. Maybe for the 4th of July, I'll take a video of a barbeque sizzling - that might be a "sweeps" show in itself!


Toy packaging has got to be a gabillion-dollar business. Never had I realized the extent to how much cardboard goes into strapping in a playskool baby toy. Not having been in a toy store since I was age 7, I did not understand the packaging revolution that has taken place. Oh, decades ago, packaging was a mere afterthought. Games came in saran wrap; barbies were held in by flimsy cardboard boxes and a small piece of plastic the thickness of a cat hair. You could look at a toy funny and it'd pop right open and turn itself on, ready to play. Fast forward to 2005, where every child's toy is child and adult-proof. It's a marketing tease. You see the toy, you buy the toy, but you can't actually have the toy without rupturing 2 discs, severing 3 major blood vessels, and accidentally hitting yourself in the face with the box, creating a contusion in the shape of Texas on your forehead.

In case you haven't come into contact with these things recently - the 10-inch baby-safe plastic toys are fit into little grooves of the box, zip-tied or wired down in with industrial grade plastic that you need hedge clippers to remove, then are surrounded on 5 sides with heavy corrugated cardboard. (Most power tools aren't packaged this safely. hmmm...baby toys vs. power tool packaging - discuss.) It's that open side that is the real teaser. If you can see it, it must be easy to remove, right? Just pull it through the well thought out open window. At this point is where those packaging engineers holed up in some warehouse in Arizona are laughing hysterically at you, possibly even wetting their pants. Your naive belief that you can open this toy easily is a source of great amusement. Even more humorous is to see a grown adult, what's say 5'10", 200 lbs, wrestling with a box in an attempt to free a toy for a 1 year old, who is watching the scene develop with this wide-eyed, bewildered gaze. And this wrestling match goes the full 10 rounds; and even at the end of that, we're not too sure who the winner is - it has to go to the judges for a point count. The best part about it is that the toy barely moves, despite the challenger's shaking, stomping, ripping, and screaming of profanities. Those damn materials engineers - while sadistic - are brilliant.


WHILE I'm on the topic of 1 year olds (there are now 2 in the family) let's chew on this one, folks: they can barely walk, can't talk, have the fine motor control of a snail, and the attention span of an ADHD flea - do you actually think they can pull the wrapping paper off a box to reveal what's inside? NO! Do they really even care what's under the paper? NO! They would rather play with the shiny bow on top! (As would I). And you wonder why the eggnog went so fast...