The doctor is in...

My desk phone rang this morning, and the caller ID gave me a heads up that my sister-in-law would be on the other end of the line. Expecting to hear a "hey how ya doing" or "hi how are you I have a quick question...", instead I hear: "Hello Doctor (Insert My Last Name), I'm supposed to come visit you today, but Alexis (my niece) won't put her clothes on so we can come in." I don't think I said anything for about 90 seconds, as my brain tried to process how I all of the sudden became a physician, why my 3-year old niece was running around naked, and how I, as an apparently new physician, was going to be able to remedy this situation as requested by sis-in-law. As my eyes darted back and forth around the room, searching for some answers in the mess that is my desk, and I looked for the diploma on my wall, the ummms and errrs were the only thing that could escape my mouth, since my jaw was still on the floor.

In the background I hear her say to Alexis (who apparently is pouting and grouchy, insisting that she did not feel like getting dressed today), anyway, she says "Doctor (Insert Last Name) is on the phone and wants to talk to you. Come to the phone." I began to sweat...not sure why, but then again, I've never been a doctor before. Or even a fake doctor. The questions kept coming, with no obvious answers... What do doctors say to kids who won't stop running around naked? Do I introduce myself as "Doctor"? What kind of doctor am I? A podiatrist? Proctologist? Internal medicine with a focus in rare disorders of hiking in the Amazon? Do I have to explain the pros and cons of wearing clothes in public to a 3-year old? Is there a diagnosis code I should provide? What is my agreed upon rate with the insurance company? If I had the time, I should have whipped out my ICD-9 code book, that would have been conveniently kept under my desk, instead of the empty xerox box that I prop my feet up on. However, being it that I can hear the 3-year old sheepishly grabbing for the phone, to supposedly talk to a doctor, I figured I'd wing it.

You could cut the tension with a knife...and of course, last minute I think - "What if she recognizes my voice?" So, there is an awkward cough as she picks up the phone; you know, the one where you are trying to buy time because you are clearing your voice before a speech begins, etc. So, in my deepest and most fake-doctor-like voice, I commence my doctorly speech about why she should wear clothes and go to the doctor. Actually, it went about like this, with me sounding like those terrible actresses on TV who try and disguise their voices like men's but end up sounding like idiots (along the lines of "Hello, I'm Mr. Ed"), and she sounding like a sad puppy with a tail between her legs (what exactly does that sound like? Who knows. But you know the picture I'm trying to paint):

Me: "Hello Alexis, this is the doctor" (trying for a low, serious voice, and failing miserably)
Her: "Hi doctor" (sheepishly)
Me: "Are you going to come and see me today"
Her: "Yes"
Me: "You know you have to wear your clothes, don't you? Are you going to put on your clothes like a good girl?"
Her: "Ok"
Me: "Well then, listen to your mommy and I will see you later"
Her: "Ok bye bye"

Simple conversation, yes, but stressful. It's a burden to have 4 extra years of education, and 6 years of residency knowledge and experience all at once. There's a standard of professionalism to uphold, after all. When sis-in-law got back on the phone, I asked if it worked, and she said that the kid was already getting dressed, as soon as she got off the phone. Well done, Doctor me!

Talk about being put on the spot. Though, how do you convince people to wear their clothes? Appaarently, for a 3 year old, all you have to do is make your voice sound official, maybe even a bit stupid, and simply ask them to do so under the guise of a "doctor". Too bad that doesn't work on the beach with people wearing suits that shouldn't be revealing THAT much skin. It's not quite as easy to walk up to some old guy a whose belly is hanging over the speedo, and ask them in your poorly altered, yet "official" voice to please cover up the banana hammock with some long board shorts, because right now it's hurting the eyes of the children. Or to approach that woman who is unfortunately wearing a suit that isn't flattering, especially when the rear end of the suit has disappeared into the crack, making it look like ass-floss. I don't think it'd be prudent to ask, even if in a fake physician's coat, if you could provide a prescription, for let's say, an area rug to cover that up.

Anyway, not sure how that deviated into a discussion about inappropriate beach attire. If you couldn't follow, then you should probably take 2 socks, and call me in the morning.