No need to be alarmed...

5AM, Thursday last. Phone call received...woke sleeping giant...who promptly silenced the ringer after seeing it was an 866- number. "Who would be telemarketing at this time of day? When I get my hands on that jerk..." Voicemail tone rings..."What telemarketer leaves a message? Guess I'll check it." Sleepily dial into voicemail...still drooling onto pillow...message from ADT security, I am on the list of emergency notifications for my parents' house...the "motion sensor has been triggered and has set the house alarm off, and the police have been dispatched." Awesome. Shooting up and out of bed like a pop-tart that's flown out of a broken toaster and looking like I'd stuck my finger in an electric socket (hair out to HERE - note arms outstretched), I quickly call back the company while pulling on a pair of jeans and swishing with listerine. Told them I'd be over in 20 minutes to meet with the police.

Of course, as luck would have it, the 13 year old dog who sleeps 22 hours a day decides that since i'm moving around, she should probably wake up and get excited for the beautiful morning...ready to eat her breakfast of champions: cheerios and cheese (that is not a joke...she's got low cholesterol, i tell you what.), and that she needs to take a leak and a doozie of a twosie stat. Then, of course, after 10 waking minutes, she'll promptly fall back asleep. Anyway, I poke both fingers into my eyes to put my contacts in, and head out at 5:15 with the dog, who, I forgot to mention, barks at everything, including leaves and curbs. Now imagine this, crazy hair shoved in a ball cap to try and bring it down from the stratosphere, a jacket on like that little kid who was on "A Christmas Story", and a yipping weiner dog that I'm ferociously shooshing so that the neighbors won't wake up... Ok, dog back in, into the car, over to the parents house. There was actually traffic...who knew people were awake at that hour. Probably sleep deprived and grouchy. Bozos.

Arrival at parents house: no police. Form on the door saying they walked around the house, didn't see anything suspicious, and had left. Also, if there happened to be a burgular or murderer in the house, to go ahead and call them back. Very comforting, I must say, as it's still dark out, and the house is nice and spookily dark too. Would have been nice to have a big strong policeman with a revolver and billy club escort me through the house. I'm just saying, is that too much to ask? So, I open the garage door, I can hear the alarm still going off inside the house, even before I unlock it. Now, fearing that a masked assassin or squatter or whoever is inside the house is dancing around in front of the motion sensor in the dark, waiting for an unsuspecting girl still in jammies and bloodshot eyes to come in to search the house, I feel the need to have a weapon, like numchucks, a 12 gauge shotgun, baseball bat, etc., should the remote possibility that I need to beat someone up for entering the premesis in an unauthorized manner. As I peer around for my weapon of choice, I find the only thing that I could remotely swing at someone and inflict no injury whatsoever. An ice scraper. Plastic. Very comforting, my choice of weapon. I begin to think I'll just have to rely on my kung-fu skills. They'll be running scared when I strike my kung fu pose. Don't you wish you knew what that looked like. Me too.

Ok, to the door! Unlock door to house, go to keypad and put in code, siren stops ringing. Walk into kitchen, to foyer (where the motion detector is), through the house, ice scraper poised and ready for an attack...turn all the lights on, look in all the closets, nothing to be found. No rogue squirrels, small children playing hide-and-seek, etc. Back down to the foyer.

Now, let's rewind a few days, to put the scene in perspective. #1. Parents left the day prior; gone on a trip through the Panama Canal on a cruise ship. No phone access, no email. The alarm company is set up to call the emergency numbers as follows: parents' home, dad cell, dad work, mom cell, me. The line of succession doesn't really work well when everyone who could answer a phone is off the continent. #2. Dad turned 66 a few days before they left. Brother brought over mylar balloons. 2 of them. #3. It was warm outside the days leading up to the alarm incident; that night, temps dropped an awful lot. Hence, heat in the house might be needed.

Fast forward, back to present, 5:45 AM Thursday. As I get back to the kitchen/foyer where the motion detector is...still nothing. Then, the heat comes on. All by itself, no problemo. When the register is facing the direction of the balloons, still no problem, provided no motion detector is armed. Interesting chain of events begins to make sense in my head. Balloons near the vent begin to "dance" around in front of the motion detector. I promptly beat them to a "pop" with my ice scraper, all in an attempt to protect the house, of course.

Once the threat is neutralized, onto the next steps. Dispose of any possible "dancing" materials. Re-arm the house. Back home. 6:30 AM.

Can't sleep - a bit wired from the whole "carrying around an ice scraper looking to bust some heads" bit. Rest of day went like this: begin drinking copious amounts of coffee. Take the dog out to bark at some grass. Start work. Drink more coffee. Take breaks to practice kung fu moves while swinging ice scraper over head. Wait to be called back into action for next set of dancing balloons that attack the house.