Wireless technology woes

Wireless technology certainly has revolutionized the way we do business and live our lives...It's awesome. Today, I feel like a quick story on cellular telephones is due. We certainly have come a long way from the days of Zack Morris on "Saved by the Bell" - the shoebox-sized gray phone with an antenna the size of a dry-erase marker, carried around in a suitcase, with sound quality about as good as getting channel 20 through rabbit ears on a TV. Now we have things that are the size of a matchbox and get ESPN on it while digitally recording your grandma's birthday party (also, mind you, the phone lit the candles and blew them out for her). Bells, whistles, downloadable ring tones, professional grade digital cameras, this stuff is crazy - I can't keep up with what all's out there, much less figure out how to use it before it becomes obsolete. I just figured out how to take pictures on my phone. Sometimes I forget how if I haven't done it in awhile. Now ask me if I can send them - yeah freaking right. I'm getting there...I'm sure once they put Photoshop on a phone I'll have figured out how to push send. Then you've got the phones that have something called Bluetooth technology - I don't know what it does, but only know that it freaks me out. There are headsets, earpieces, headpieces, earsets, push to talk speakerphones, walkie talkies and other crap that when others are using it, makes me think you're either crazy and talking to yourself, or trying to start a conversation with me. AAAAAAAAAAAAND here's where I get into trouble...

You ever walk down the street and some random person is just starting a conversation with an earpiece in, but you don't know it? As she said "Hi" on the phone, I said Hi back, and the person looked at me funny, and continued her conversation on the phone. I wanted to pull my coat over my head and hide from the embarrassment. Then the anger set in - excuse me, miss, but you're the one who looked to be starting the conversation with ME and didn't give me the signal that you were on the phone. How the heck am I supposed to know that? The point of the earpiece is for me to not see it and for you to be hands free...And you expect me to read your mind that you are on the phone. Horse crap. Don't look at me - avert your eyes or something. Wear a sign on your coat. Point to your earpiece so I know you're either hearing impaired (and can make a bigger jackass out of myself by shouting back louder) or are on the phone. It is funny how we also talk a bit louder on the cell phone, especially when there are people around...So it annoys everyone else and is another indicator that you may be trying to talk to start a conversation with someone nearby. Alas, you are again on the phone, and I know what you're having for dinner, how your husband's prostate is doing, and how Janie tried to ask out the UPS man last week (he's the hot one - what can brown do for you...oooohlala). Obviously, having acquired this information, I can now finish the day, fulfilled and happy. Yippee for me.

So I was in a public bathroom the other day, and from the stall next door I hear "How are you doing?" Imagine my surprise...Well geez, I'm taking a leak, how do you think I am? Relieved, that's what. Do you answer a random person who asks you a question in the bathroom? Talking with random people in a bathroom is a no-no already, in or out of the stall, and for heaven's sake - why would you ask how they're doing on the can? I froze up - stricken with a fear I had not ever experienced before. The whirlwind of thoughts - how do you answer your overly curious (or psychotic) neighbor? "Who is this person next to me - is this the way to meet new people?" and "Why do they care if I sprinkle when I tinkle as long as I'm neat and wipe the seat?" and "Are they looking under the stall divider?" After quickly glancing down to ensure I was indeed alone in my stall, these are the things I quickly pondered in the squat position (obviously, you never sit on the seat of a public potty - you never know who's dirty rear end has been on that thing; also it's a wonderful workout for your quadriceps). So when her conversation continued, you can imagine how much better I had felt (for several reasons) - the moment of sheer terror and panic had passed. Now I am assuming that she was on the phone - there is always the possibility that the conversation was continuing with herself - that would have been rather interesting. But, let's say for argument's sake that she was on the phone. That poor, unlucky person on the other end of the line - all that person hears is tinkle tinkle or plop plop - either your throwing rocks in the rain, or are talking from a restroom. That's not really the background music I want to chat to. Anyway, it was an awkward moment when we met at the sink a few moments later - I pulled the ol' "Hey, I'm going to avoid looking at you and pretend that you didn't just scare the heebeejeebies out of me" move. **(Boys - I'm sure it's all different in the men's room - someone will have to fill me in).

There really is no moral of this story. Technology rocks - it's great and it keeps getting better. But it has an evil flip side in that there is no real defined etiquette for how to handle it. We all sort of know what annoys us about blackberries and cell phones and PDAs, etc. but we never, as a bunch of people (a.k.a. "society"), say "this is how we should act so as to not freak people out" (i.e. what's ok to do and what's not). Friends, this is an undertaking that I'm ready to embark upon. So keep your eyes open and your earpieces to the ground as I establish the "PublisheR's Guide to Etiquette in the Wireless Universe". Until we get to that point, let's make sure that this technological problem NEVER rears its ugly head in a public bathroom - it can terrify others and may even cause them to develop "stage fright". Not that I know this from personal experience. But, I mean, I've heard it could happen to anyone. Seriously. Happy squatting to the ladies, happy standing to the gents!