Time to address some stuff...

I got on a mailing list of mailing labels. You know, where they send you free address labels, hoping you'll make a donation in return? In the past 2 weeks, I think I've received about 8 different packages of labels, all with different pretty little designs on them, I suppose so that depending on the mood I'm in I can pick the appropriate label. The ones with flowers for happy days, the nondescript ones with a black border for when you're having a blah day, an American flag one for a day you are feeling patriotoc, such as 4th of July, Memorial Day, President's Day, etc. Though, don't you find it funny that the postal service doesn't work on those holidays? Thus, why would I be sending letters with an American flag return address label? It would have lost all meaning by the time it went out. Silly charity, definitely no donation for them. Clearly they didn't think hard enough about their "teaser" gift. Yet another thing I lay awake thinking about late at night.

Why a "teaser" gift? Well, you know the story, it happens everywhere. Dangle the carrot in front of whatever animal they say in that silly cliche. Subconsciously you feel obligated if someone gives you a gift, to give something back to them. A few examples: the person who starts that run at the toll gate or at a drive-through Starbucks - you know, where they pay for the person behind them? And it keeps going on & on for awhile - people continue to pay it forward, or backwards, as the case may be, and we see that there actually may be a shred of hope for our fellow human beings. Then there's the jackass who just greedily takes advantage of it and then the whole cycle of niceness stops. That's when you get to the realization that we were sorely deluded, and we actually are all doomed to fire and damnation because of our greedy coffee-drinking and opportunistic toll-paying ways. Another example: the tootsie roll given to you by the boy scout when collecting for money in front of a grocery store. Give a tootsie roll, then the bucket sits there, crying out longingly for your spare change or debit card...striking up pangs of guilt that either quickly go away as you eat the candy, since the pangs really were only hunger pains, or they induce you to drop some dough in the bin. Their 10 cent tootsie got them a $5 donation. Great return on investment (ROI), right? (Note: the folks with the red bucket and bell in front of the grocery store at Christmas are not lumped in with this...you have to donate to get the tootsie roll).

Then we come to the dilemma I'm faced with. Some charity graciously sends you some address labels or a penny in an envelope, a heartfelt plea for monetary assistance, and a return envelope for your donation. After all, they sent you labels, couldn't you spare a few dollars for them? Not that they intend to give you a guilt trip (ok, yes they do), but they try to make the impression that they did send you the labels, and you can't re-gift them, they were made especially for you...and therein lies the feeling that you "owe" something. Clever marketing - it's very effective.

Well, normally this feeling of guilt can be quickly overcome. Free labels, awesome. Trash the rest. Thanks much, I look forward to the next installment. The problem I've gotten myself into, is that I actually donated to one of those places that sends you labels (a cancer research charity). Apparently, though, once you do that to a certain charity that sells the lists of donors, it's like your address is posted on a billboard for all non-profits to see. Once you show you are willing to donate to one place, the sharks begin circling. You get address labels out the rear end because, I personally think, you get listed as that being your "trigger" and everyone wants a piece of the pie (little do they know, it's not a real big pie with me writing checks...). I.e., on the broadcast message they say: "Send her address labels, she's a sucker for them. She'll be opening her checkbook in no time, once it's seen how cute the designs are on these labels."

In the past month, I have more labels than I know what to do with. (Correlates directly with the post-holiday donation-giving). Every other day I get a new set. I could put a label on everything I own, including my wardrobe, dishes, flatware, books, paper clips, and still have about 3,000 labels left over. However, at least if I threw a fork out the window someone would know where to return it to. Anyway - I can see how this tactic would work on a lot of people, but for those folks who see through it, it just causes more crap in my mailbox that gets the ol' heave-ho after snagging the labels. My initial thought is that I need no more labels, so why don't these organizations save the money they used on printing these things, and consider it a donation from me. That works, doesn't it? I suppose I should just call them, and tell them that my donation will be for them not to waste paper or sticky address labels on me. I wonder if that's tax deductable... But then again, maybe labels cost so little that it's a small investment and these charities still get a lot of donations that outweigh the costs of giving labels to those who never donate. Who knows.

There is an upside to this. I do think I have a new way to use these. Before I go out for a few drinks, I'm going to stick one of those to my hand. Should I get a bit too intoxicated and need to get a cab home, all I'll need to do is flash my palm to the driver, then I'm all set. Don't even have to remember my name or address anymore. Great! Remind me to donate again!