Rounding the bend

We drive on the right side of the road, go up the right escalator, can make right turns on red with bi-directional traffic, and yield for lefts. Wouldn't you think this would carry forth into our walking habits? Strangely enough...no. A few examples to follow.

On a busy street - people pass on all sides (but many walkers are really quite good at sticking to the right side of whatever direction they are going). Those in a hurry or when the sidewalk is a bit congested may even try to to a head or shoulder pump to fake you out before accelerating around you. And if you are walking down the center of the sidewalk like a slug, you deserve to get shoved into a crosswalk when the red hand is up. For the most part, unless you are a complete ass, people pass with limited angst, if any at all.

The Metro - a beast in its own right, heaven forgive you if you stand on the left (damn tourists) of the escalator when people are in a hurry to get up it, to go find the person picking them up (so they can sit in traffic on the way home), or to the bus stop where they will sit and wait for it to arrive. Sometimes standing on the right doesn't even work. It's like the Kentucky Derby; when those doors open, it's a free-for-all, if you don't have a stride of 6 feet or more, you'd best be moving aside, even if you are running. That 6'5" guy doesn't wait for the slow folks in front, he'll hip check you right onto the tracks - tuck and roll, grandma! There's always the scared turtle approach that I sometimes opt for, just for giggles. When I don't feel like running with the crowd, dodging and weaving and dropping 'bows, I stand completely still in one place and have everyone run around you. You get a few bumps and bruises, but it's like a waterfall of people rushing past you. It can be quite an experience. Drives folks crazy, too.

Office behavior is also a less well-known area where problems arise. Most people are ok with keeping to their correct right side, with the exception of people reading while walking - they are out of control - I saw someone walk face first into a wall - I almost peed my pants laughing (had to close the door to my office...especially since I didn't warn the guy - oops!). But especially when turning corners. Now, if you're moving down the right side of the hallway, then turning right, you are closest to the corner and can cut it as sharply as you want. However, if you are going to turn left at a corner, it is a major no-no to cut that short...people, you have to see yourselves as 18-wheelers: you make WIDE left turns - take that into account when you are dragging that caboose of yours around! I have almost given myself concussions and nasty spills running into people who cut their corner short, essentially crossing the double yellow line (I've cut it short too...). I think fisheye mirrors are needed. And reminders to walk defensively. This is serious stuff - what if I'm carrying a cup of hot coffee with a white sweater on? Kaboom! And I'm not happy being scorched in my jumbleys & down my midsection.

In an airport - there are no laws, you can feel free to pass at twice what a normal, reasonably safe (although subjectively determined) speed would be, on the left, right, or completely over someone (dragging your bag too), and be entirely justified in doing so. After all, it's an airport. We have to hurry up and get to the gate in order to wait in line until the plane boards. Bump people out of line in security to save the 30 seconds they would have consumed by untying their shoelaces or pulling their laptop out (though if people are not efficient in getting their stuff moving at the security line, you can feel free to take them out at the knees with your rolley bag and move in front of them. There is a zero tolerance policy for idiot travelers who don't know how to be efficient or prepared to load up when you receive the pretty gray bins. Move it or lose it, tootsie!) Anyway, truly the only folks who have a warrant to run down the hall like a blind bat out of hell are the ones whose names are being called over the intercom as a last boarding call. (I've been in this position more than once, and it sucks.) But if you've got 35 minutes to boarding time, and you are giving the hip check and loud sighs of frustration while heading down the myriad of gates, take it down a notch and pull the bunch out of those panties. Which brings me to the next point about boarding...is there really a need to hover and clog up the boarding area when they haven't even begun to call the zones? I think not. And then, if you're in group 5, sit your asses down or move aside so the first 4 can go. Nothing ticks me off more than a person standing in there, waiting for their group to be called (usually one of the last) so they can, what's that? Oh right, wait in line. Believe me, sunshine, you will be getting on that plane. After all, they aren't going to say "Group 4 may board, except for John Smith, who will have to wait until the door closes, because we didn't want him to make this flight anyway." If you're at the gate and have a ticket, I don't think they'll be leaving without you. And while we're here, let's discuss overhead space. If your case is the size of a polar bear, chances are you won't be able to shove that thing up there no matter how you turn it. And why is it always the 5'2" woman who has a seat in Row 8 that has to attempt a Houdini act where the bag magically shrinks, she grows 8 inches, and can angle it in there. Stops the whole boarding process. The frustrated sighs begin. The "what the hell is the problem" murmurs begin from those who haven't yet entered the plane to see the nightmarish scene. One time I actually called out (this person was about 4 rows in front of me) and said can someone help her with her f-ing bag? (It was a moment of weakness...hadn't slept in awhile. Usually I don't drop the f-bomb in a tin can full of people I have to sit next to for 4 hours, but it was getting ridiculous.) So you have those people who fill the bins up with their entire closet, and then you have people like me, who only put a laptop bag up top, purse below, taking up probably 1 half to one third of the space of a 22-inch rollerboard. After all, I like to leave a bit of room in case I have to shove a noisy or annoying kid up there for the sake of the sanity of the rest of the plane. I'm a giver, what can I say.