Opening ceremonies

You see the Olympic Winter Games opening ceremonies? You see those skaters with the helmets that shoot fire out the back of them? Those were awesome - they reminded me of how I feel after drinking too much tequila! Also, it triggered memories of the movie "The Rocketeer" (terrible - if you haven't seen it, don't, just trust me that there was blazing fire off the body involved). Anyway, I wish they played the sports with rockets of fire. Imagine how tough it would be to land a triple-axle with your head blasting you across the rink - now that's skill if you can land one of those at 35 MPH. How about downhill skiing, or the slalom or whatever those fancy skiing events are called? You'd end up melting the path behind you. I feel sorry for the sucker who falls behind - singed eyebrows and no medal to show for it - that super-stinks.

Be careful, though - ice hockey with all the hits might be some trouble. Wouldn't want your head blown off after getting checked into the boards. Or during a fight...now that's a bunch of hotheads (sorry - I had to throw in the terribly corny joke - I laughed, and that's all that matters...then again, I have a tendency to laugh at a lot of my stupid jokes...then again, I don't tell most jokes out loud, because I end up screwing them up and completely bungling the funny part, making me look like an idiot, as if I need help with that. At least I know my limits - writing gives me a change to think a bit more about execution as my fingers attempt to catch up with my brain - I only type 16 words a minute...just kidding, more like 10). Ok anyway, after a large parenthetic break of verbal diarrhea, back to the helmets o' fire. Good thing a lot of athletes don't smoke - it'd be one heck of a day if your helmet inadvertently got set off. Also, what if you wanted to stop skating or skiing or bobsledding or whatnot - it's not as if you can come to an easy stop - you wait until the gas runs out, or your if you try to attempt the impossible, your body stops while your head keeps going. Yuck. What if you fell? Your body would spin like a top - digging a circular hole in the snow/ice! Instead of snow-angels, there'd be snow divots. On the bright side, with a blazing inferno strapped to the back of your head, you sure could roast a nice marshmallow anytime you wanted, fire up a good Italian sausage (being that you are in Italy), or warm up a village full of bums. Guess you take the good with the bad when your head's on fire.

Alas, these are the things that keep me up at night. Just like that dyslexic agnostic insomniac who tries to sleep at night wondering if there is a dog.

HA!