Triple axle! Double toe loop!

I sit here, drinking my fourth glass of wine (yes, it's been that kind of week...) and I watch the Olympics in Torino. At this moment, women's free skate is on; I’m sure in about 90 seconds it ill switch to downhill skiing; 90 seconds after that it will be curling for 30 minutes, then 90 more seconds of free skate; on to 90 seconds of ice luge, then 25 minutes of curling, followed by 60 seconds of ice skating, finishing up with body shots and vodka luge shots. Funny how they suck you in, those Olympics. Start you off with something interesting like figure skating, and then drag you into waiting for more figure skating by putting on curling. What the heck is curling anyway? STUPID, that's what it is. You put a frisbee on ice and grab up a broom and you got the same dang thing. I'd rather watch paint peel, or my 14-month old niece drip snot out her nose (which, by the way, is much faster than paint peeling or a speed skater racing the 500-meter). So NBC is filming the Olympics, and they can feed you whatever crap they want, whenever they want. AND they can put the most ridiculous commentators on TV that they can find. That's part of the allure, I suppose. No wonder American Idol beats the crap out of them in ratings. I don't even watch AI, but I tuned in because speed skating was on. I'd rather here bad singing, than watch people in weenie huggers juggle their hoo-ha's around while spinning in circles (see article on Batwing, published earlier this year).

Anyway, I do enjoy a good bit of figure skating, mostly the women's. For some reason, men in sparkly, floral, tight spandex don't do it for me. Especially when they're pretending to fly like butterflies to music I'd hear at a NASCAR race. Weird. I mean, some are cool, but they aren't nearly as graceful as the ladies are. I also like those badass snowboarders, especially the idiot ones who try to be all cool when they think they are winning, then take a nose dive and get silver. That, honestly, was the best part of the Olympics - cause I could TOTALLY relate with feeling like that kind of idiot. Really hit home for me: I felt like I was a part of the games. Oh, the embarrassment, I could almost taste it...I reminisced about times of my youth where I was a dumbass. Never cost me the gold, though, so I could still laugh at her.

So I guess it's a prerequisite of being a commentator at the Olympics that you have to be a complete idiot who is capable of constant diarrhea of the mouth. Those meatheads could talk Helen Keller to death. I actually felt dumber after listening to them. "Oh, what a great triple toe loop, double lutz, flippety floppety floo! Looked great except for the two-foot landing that sprayed ice! And her skirt flipped up a bit! Not her best performance, Dick, I have to say." And then they go onto: "What a beautiful sit spin into a toe pick jumpety flying thing! It's too bad that she actually had her skate on the ice - she should have been completely levitating for that..." I kid you not, they actually said this: "Well, Dick, she seems a bit tight tonight; she needs time to harness that speed and really skate like a champion. She flew going into this double flip, but it should have been a triple! What a shame." Are you kidding? I'd like to see fat ol' Dick or that silly lady get out there and stretch your body in ways it wasn't meant to go. They sure can talk big, but can they land the quad, I ask you??? Yeah fricking right. They are paid to make things sound dramatic...but there's only so much drama that can be added to curling, friends. They change the tone of their voice to try and convey how serious sliding a rock along ice is...now that's entertainment, and they are really earning their millions.

Let's talk for a moment about these young lady figure skaters. Freaks of nature is what they are. Let's start with the skates. The boots are flimsier than string cheese, and yet they play hopscotch and jump double-dutch on these things. They must have plates and screws in their ankles, cause landing on them that hard is flipping ridiculous. Next: the costumes. There must be a multi-million dollar business creating these works of sheer insanity. Apparently, you have to be on LSD to think that a teal flapper skirt with sequins and strobe lights will impress the judges. However, it does look pretty good on the ol' spinny flip jump whozeewhatsit. The men's costumes are terrible embarrassing. Not even going to go there, except to make the following statement: "Pattern and camel toes are not a fashion statement, nor do they win you gold medals in my book." And why do they fake you out with the flesh-colored material? I mean, put the hoochie dress on and show some skin. Don't tease us with your synthetic sexiness.

Talking about sexy - I couldn't honestly say that figure skaters are sexy. They are like gymnasts on blades. Too skinny and too much makeup. They try to defeat all that through the costume, but they aren't fooling me. No sir-ee. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. The flexibility. These ladies have some ferocious skill, and are quietly REALLY flexible. When you can reach back and pull your foot over your head twice and spin 'round like a top, either your leg is not attached to your body, or you are a figure skater. All I can think about when they are skating is how happy their boyfriends must be. Yeesh!

Ok, let's get to the badass-ness of these ladies. Playing ice hockey myself, I know how hard that stinkin' ice is. Very hard. Like, concrete hard. It hurts when you fall, even with equipment. I can skate forward, backwards, and turn around. When I fall doing any of these, I am concerned that I will get a concussion or bruise severely. It's not something I like to think about. Then I look at these kiddos, and they have no equipment, no ankle support, and no body padding (their rear ends are about as bulky as a cotton ball), and are traveling pretty fast. When they fall, it's like bone smashing against ice. Then they get up right away and keep on skating to the music. Now, pardon my French, but that's balls. I would most likely cry and skate off, but these nutties keep on trucking through their toe-loops, spinners, axles, fan belts, and other car part-like "technical" moves. No wonder they wear the flesh-colored leg warmers, they're hiding all the bruises! And the casts from their broken hips! They've got to be addicted to some sort of opiate - I can't imagine how they get through it otherwise. Maybe that's how they are convinced to wear the chartreuse outfits with a side of cubic zirconium and multi-colored ribbons.

I don't know how they do it, but I have to stand in complete respect for anyone who makes the Olympics. Regardless of how many times they fall or take a spill in the downhill, or finish with the worst possible time in the history of man, they made it there, through steroids, bribes, skill, or the fact that they were the only one who could curl in their country. Any way you look at it, well done, ye athletes, even the ones who wear seizure-causing costumes and "dance" on ice. I salute you for your efforts and, for the Americans, your choice of Roots clothing (actually, they have TERRRRRRRRRRRRIBLE uniforms this year...and I do mean terrible. Have you seen the men's ice hockey? Atrocious! We can't win medals... They should have had that freak from Project Runway design the gear...anything would be better). Anywho - cheers to Torino, that sleepy town in Italy who doesn't even care that the Olympics are there. Cheers to NBC for making a boatload on a sporting event that they stink at producing and will still make money on. And finally, cheers to all of us who haven't flipped over to CSI or some other program, and who accept curling as a sport, even though it should be banned faster than gay marriage.

As a proud Georgetown alum, all I have to say is "Hoya Saxa"! And for those plebeians who don't know the translation, that is "what rocks"! So there, curling, you've had your moment of glory and own personal cheer...