Little bunny

Isn't she cute?

Energy efficiency at its best

Our company has put a big focus on conserving energy for the good of the environment (read: saving cash to add to the bottom line). So they installed light sensors that keep the lights on only when a person is in the room. Thus, when you get into work and go in your office, the light snaps on as you pass the motion sensor. If you've been out of your office (or there's no movement) for 20 minutes, the lights turn off. There's a guy in the office whose light is either broken, or apparently doesn't move much during the day, so his light turns off on him all the time. He sits there in the dark working in front of the glow of his computer screen. Creepy. So if the lights go off on you, you move your hand or something and the lights go back on. So every once in awhile you'll walk past this guy's office & he's flailing like a madman in the dark trying to get the lights to go back on. Either that or it's a good cover for Tourette's syndrome. Maybe that's why he's always screaming profanities...

Being used to this at the office all day, apparently I've thought it carried over to home. So I walk in the door at night, and the light is off, and i actually stand there for a minute wondering why the light hasn't turned on. Then I flail my arms a bit, and finally realize "Oh right - I don't have motion-triggered lights at home." Oops. So I feel like an idiot for a moment, then i walk into the next room, somehow stupidly expecting the lights to turn on in that room. And this is a process that occurs almost nightly now. However, if you think about it, I'm actually saving energy for those few seconds that I actually stand there in the dark and think the lights will come on. A penny here & a penny there, and maybe I'll be able to buy a stamp in about a year...

Rounding the bend

We drive on the right side of the road, go up the right escalator, can make right turns on red with bi-directional traffic, and yield for lefts. Wouldn't you think this would carry forth into our walking habits? Strangely enough...no. A few examples to follow.

On a busy street - people pass on all sides (but many walkers are really quite good at sticking to the right side of whatever direction they are going). Those in a hurry or when the sidewalk is a bit congested may even try to to a head or shoulder pump to fake you out before accelerating around you. And if you are walking down the center of the sidewalk like a slug, you deserve to get shoved into a crosswalk when the red hand is up. For the most part, unless you are a complete ass, people pass with limited angst, if any at all.

The Metro - a beast in its own right, heaven forgive you if you stand on the left (damn tourists) of the escalator when people are in a hurry to get up it, to go find the person picking them up (so they can sit in traffic on the way home), or to the bus stop where they will sit and wait for it to arrive. Sometimes standing on the right doesn't even work. It's like the Kentucky Derby; when those doors open, it's a free-for-all, if you don't have a stride of 6 feet or more, you'd best be moving aside, even if you are running. That 6'5" guy doesn't wait for the slow folks in front, he'll hip check you right onto the tracks - tuck and roll, grandma! There's always the scared turtle approach that I sometimes opt for, just for giggles. When I don't feel like running with the crowd, dodging and weaving and dropping 'bows, I stand completely still in one place and have everyone run around you. You get a few bumps and bruises, but it's like a waterfall of people rushing past you. It can be quite an experience. Drives folks crazy, too.

Office behavior is also a less well-known area where problems arise. Most people are ok with keeping to their correct right side, with the exception of people reading while walking - they are out of control - I saw someone walk face first into a wall - I almost peed my pants laughing (had to close the door to my office...especially since I didn't warn the guy - oops!). But especially when turning corners. Now, if you're moving down the right side of the hallway, then turning right, you are closest to the corner and can cut it as sharply as you want. However, if you are going to turn left at a corner, it is a major no-no to cut that short...people, you have to see yourselves as 18-wheelers: you make WIDE left turns - take that into account when you are dragging that caboose of yours around! I have almost given myself concussions and nasty spills running into people who cut their corner short, essentially crossing the double yellow line (I've cut it short too...). I think fisheye mirrors are needed. And reminders to walk defensively. This is serious stuff - what if I'm carrying a cup of hot coffee with a white sweater on? Kaboom! And I'm not happy being scorched in my jumbleys & down my midsection.

In an airport - there are no laws, you can feel free to pass at twice what a normal, reasonably safe (although subjectively determined) speed would be, on the left, right, or completely over someone (dragging your bag too), and be entirely justified in doing so. After all, it's an airport. We have to hurry up and get to the gate in order to wait in line until the plane boards. Bump people out of line in security to save the 30 seconds they would have consumed by untying their shoelaces or pulling their laptop out (though if people are not efficient in getting their stuff moving at the security line, you can feel free to take them out at the knees with your rolley bag and move in front of them. There is a zero tolerance policy for idiot travelers who don't know how to be efficient or prepared to load up when you receive the pretty gray bins. Move it or lose it, tootsie!) Anyway, truly the only folks who have a warrant to run down the hall like a blind bat out of hell are the ones whose names are being called over the intercom as a last boarding call. (I've been in this position more than once, and it sucks.) But if you've got 35 minutes to boarding time, and you are giving the hip check and loud sighs of frustration while heading down the myriad of gates, take it down a notch and pull the bunch out of those panties. Which brings me to the next point about boarding...is there really a need to hover and clog up the boarding area when they haven't even begun to call the zones? I think not. And then, if you're in group 5, sit your asses down or move aside so the first 4 can go. Nothing ticks me off more than a person standing in there, waiting for their group to be called (usually one of the last) so they can, what's that? Oh right, wait in line. Believe me, sunshine, you will be getting on that plane. After all, they aren't going to say "Group 4 may board, except for John Smith, who will have to wait until the door closes, because we didn't want him to make this flight anyway." If you're at the gate and have a ticket, I don't think they'll be leaving without you. And while we're here, let's discuss overhead space. If your case is the size of a polar bear, chances are you won't be able to shove that thing up there no matter how you turn it. And why is it always the 5'2" woman who has a seat in Row 8 that has to attempt a Houdini act where the bag magically shrinks, she grows 8 inches, and can angle it in there. Stops the whole boarding process. The frustrated sighs begin. The "what the hell is the problem" murmurs begin from those who haven't yet entered the plane to see the nightmarish scene. One time I actually called out (this person was about 4 rows in front of me) and said can someone help her with her f-ing bag? (It was a moment of weakness...hadn't slept in awhile. Usually I don't drop the f-bomb in a tin can full of people I have to sit next to for 4 hours, but it was getting ridiculous.) So you have those people who fill the bins up with their entire closet, and then you have people like me, who only put a laptop bag up top, purse below, taking up probably 1 half to one third of the space of a 22-inch rollerboard. After all, I like to leave a bit of room in case I have to shove a noisy or annoying kid up there for the sake of the sanity of the rest of the plane. I'm a giver, what can I say.

Droppin 'bows on the elevators

So apparently this guy really wanted to get to his office today. Maybe it was the sitting behind school buses all morning on the drive in, maybe he just really likes elevators, or he missed work terribly for 3 long days. Whatever it was, he was pushing into the elevator, badge in hand, ready to click his button and chop off the arm of any straggler who came in slowly or tried to hold the door for a colleague. Typically, men in the elevator lobby show us that chivalry is not dead and hold the door open and allow the women to enter. Not this tub-o...he dropped some 'bows and a hip check and edged us out of the doorway in an effort to get in first (and he was no small man) - then had the audacity to whisper sheepishly "sorry" with his head down as he's pressing the buttons furiously. And I'm elbow height, so I'm ducking and weaving to try and not get hit as he's swinging about. Dude, we're not going to a Bon Jovi concert trying to get into the pit for front row seats, we're trying to go to work - what's the hurry? It's not as if we want to be here and are excited to beat you on the elevator to get to our desks first, so let's not box out - there's no need. So I did what most do when they are angry at a person in an elevator - I glared meanly at the back of his head, sending bad voodoo vibes his way.

Anyway, he never got this lesson - it doesn't matter how fast or how many times you hit the button for your floor, the doors ain't closing any faster because you think you have fooled it into thinking 100 important people for the 2nd floor are on the elevator, so it better hustle up. The only button that is a bummer in our elevators is the close door button - that one responds rather well to repeated punching. Hence, the man who bumped us starts pushing that button furiously when he hears another person enter the elevator lobby, and the door slams shut as we see the person's head pop into view. Because after all, those 10 extra seconds allowing them to get in severely disrupts his timetable. It was silently gratifying for all of us when the elevator stopped at every single floor before reaching his...sucker. That was a delay I was willing to endure...

Get thee back to school day - it's time to party!

Yes, the first day of school, one realizes exactly how nice it was to not have school buses and parents on the road all summer long. Having taken these things for granted...I wanted to smack myself for taking the way to work where there approximately 38 schools and about 150 school buses. A ride that is normally 25 minutes blossomed into double that time - good way to start the day, especially after having labored on labor day the day before. Anyway, school buses stop approximately every 30 feet, and so as you can imagine there was a lot of stop-and-go, but also numnuts who blocked the lanes while trying to drop their kids off at school and not knowing where to go.

But I did see the most fascinating thing on the way in, which humorously made it worthwhile (not really, but at least it made me laugh). I was watching (at all 200 stops) the parents sending their kids off to the first day of school - waving and blowing kisses and saying "good luck" or "have fun" or "I'll see you this afternoon". Why they say "have fun" I have no idea -the first day of school is where kids realize there is no fun to be had for the next 9 months. Anyway - so the bus starts to pull away, and I swear at this one stop the parents started partying. Throwing confetti, dancing around, blowing noisemakers - it was flipping HYSTERICAL! They they all rounded up in a group and it looked like they were going either going to play ring around the rosey or put on a cheerleading performance..."ok guys, hands in! the kids are gone and we are free again...now go out and have some fun...ready team...break!" Classic. I was thinking this would be a bittersweet day for parents sending their kids off - sad for the loss of summer and missing the little maggots already, but how wrong I was! I watched at each bus stop and it seemed like the same liberating feeling was present (though not to the ridiculous degree of that 1 stop) - ding dong the kids are gone, the kids are gone, the kids are gone...