The doctor is in...

My desk phone rang this morning, and the caller ID gave me a heads up that my sister-in-law would be on the other end of the line. Expecting to hear a "hey how ya doing" or "hi how are you I have a quick question...", instead I hear: "Hello Doctor (Insert My Last Name), I'm supposed to come visit you today, but Alexis (my niece) won't put her clothes on so we can come in." I don't think I said anything for about 90 seconds, as my brain tried to process how I all of the sudden became a physician, why my 3-year old niece was running around naked, and how I, as an apparently new physician, was going to be able to remedy this situation as requested by sis-in-law. As my eyes darted back and forth around the room, searching for some answers in the mess that is my desk, and I looked for the diploma on my wall, the ummms and errrs were the only thing that could escape my mouth, since my jaw was still on the floor.

In the background I hear her say to Alexis (who apparently is pouting and grouchy, insisting that she did not feel like getting dressed today), anyway, she says "Doctor (Insert Last Name) is on the phone and wants to talk to you. Come to the phone." I began to sweat...not sure why, but then again, I've never been a doctor before. Or even a fake doctor. The questions kept coming, with no obvious answers... What do doctors say to kids who won't stop running around naked? Do I introduce myself as "Doctor"? What kind of doctor am I? A podiatrist? Proctologist? Internal medicine with a focus in rare disorders of hiking in the Amazon? Do I have to explain the pros and cons of wearing clothes in public to a 3-year old? Is there a diagnosis code I should provide? What is my agreed upon rate with the insurance company? If I had the time, I should have whipped out my ICD-9 code book, that would have been conveniently kept under my desk, instead of the empty xerox box that I prop my feet up on. However, being it that I can hear the 3-year old sheepishly grabbing for the phone, to supposedly talk to a doctor, I figured I'd wing it.

You could cut the tension with a knife...and of course, last minute I think - "What if she recognizes my voice?" So, there is an awkward cough as she picks up the phone; you know, the one where you are trying to buy time because you are clearing your voice before a speech begins, etc. So, in my deepest and most fake-doctor-like voice, I commence my doctorly speech about why she should wear clothes and go to the doctor. Actually, it went about like this, with me sounding like those terrible actresses on TV who try and disguise their voices like men's but end up sounding like idiots (along the lines of "Hello, I'm Mr. Ed"), and she sounding like a sad puppy with a tail between her legs (what exactly does that sound like? Who knows. But you know the picture I'm trying to paint):

Me: "Hello Alexis, this is the doctor" (trying for a low, serious voice, and failing miserably)
Her: "Hi doctor" (sheepishly)
Me: "Are you going to come and see me today"
Her: "Yes"
Me: "You know you have to wear your clothes, don't you? Are you going to put on your clothes like a good girl?"
Her: "Ok"
Me: "Well then, listen to your mommy and I will see you later"
Her: "Ok bye bye"

Simple conversation, yes, but stressful. It's a burden to have 4 extra years of education, and 6 years of residency knowledge and experience all at once. There's a standard of professionalism to uphold, after all. When sis-in-law got back on the phone, I asked if it worked, and she said that the kid was already getting dressed, as soon as she got off the phone. Well done, Doctor me!

Talk about being put on the spot. Though, how do you convince people to wear their clothes? Appaarently, for a 3 year old, all you have to do is make your voice sound official, maybe even a bit stupid, and simply ask them to do so under the guise of a "doctor". Too bad that doesn't work on the beach with people wearing suits that shouldn't be revealing THAT much skin. It's not quite as easy to walk up to some old guy a whose belly is hanging over the speedo, and ask them in your poorly altered, yet "official" voice to please cover up the banana hammock with some long board shorts, because right now it's hurting the eyes of the children. Or to approach that woman who is unfortunately wearing a suit that isn't flattering, especially when the rear end of the suit has disappeared into the crack, making it look like ass-floss. I don't think it'd be prudent to ask, even if in a fake physician's coat, if you could provide a prescription, for let's say, an area rug to cover that up.

Anyway, not sure how that deviated into a discussion about inappropriate beach attire. If you couldn't follow, then you should probably take 2 socks, and call me in the morning.

Wisdom for super Tuesday

2008 and 2009 Resolutions = complete

Celebrate! As of this week, I've not only achieved my New Year's resolution for this year, but next year as well. What, you may ask, was my resolution? Well, it's the same one it's been for the last 2 years, and will probably continue to be the same one forever.

Resolution = go to the gym once. Since I've been twice in 1 week, I think I'll carry over that second visit to fulfill next year's resolution in advance. There's no law against that.

Yes, I'm serious, I only really challenge myself to go once a year. I always hope that'll inspire me to go more, but usually that doesn't pan out. By around July, I'll usually go again. But not every year. So basically, yes, I essentially pay $450 for one day of working out. But I feel healthier just having the membership. I think my cholesterol dropped as well when I paid the annual fee.

Was this really a good resolution? Heck yes, as long as you apply the SMART rules... It's all in what you resolve to do...and i can't take credit for the following acronym but it can be applied to almost anything...and I've started to do that. If it's not smart, I won't do it. Sounds nerdy, right? But, I made a SMART decision to share my ridiculousness to you. I also made a SMART decision to use the word ridiculousness. It's working already!

What does SMART stand for? A SMART decision is:
S = Simple
M = Measurable
A = Achievable
R = Realistic
T = Task oriented

For the resolution...I would venture to say that going to the gym once is a fairly simple and realistic task to measure by actually arriving at the gym; thank goodness I was able to achieve it (I was worried). If I had one of those "challenging" resolutions that didn't fit the criteria above, like losing 10 pounds, eating well, or growing bigger boobs, how bad would I feel if I didn't complete it? Keep it SMART - I'm promoting my own happiness and sense of accomplishment. Double benefit. When I ask myself - should I continue to go to the gym? The SMART decision is no, because obviously it is no longer realistic or achievable. Problem solved without any mental anguish!

So, how else does being SMART apply in areas of life outside of resolutions? Let's take the conundrum of getting up for work in the morning on a Monday. Should I take on the task of dragging myself out of bed?

Simple task = yes, I would hope so. Jump start your brain, or leave it idling
Measurable = yes, clearly becoming vertical is measurable.
Achievable = maybe on some days, but probably not on a Monday morning
Realistic = no, absolutely not
Task oriented = get up, or enjoy some more shut-eye?

Thus, one can see that getting up for work is NOT a good, SMART decision. So, I continue to sleep through my alarm, and I don't feel a bit bad about it. I knew getting up was not smart to start with, so I have avoided making such bad decisions. A lot of happiness has resulted in my living SMART-ly. I'm less tired than before. And I don't feel so bad about being late for work. Benefits abound.

Let's take another example. Should I have 4 beers or stick with the 3 I've already consumed?

Simple = To beer, or not to beer, that is a very simple question.
Measurable = 20 little ounces
Achievable = drain the gizzard and keep on going. Can walk straight = definitely ok.
Realistic = I could probably even go for a fifth. four would be a perfectly realistic target.
Task-oriented = drink high-quality beer.

Clearly, I have met all criteria, and have come to the right, SMART decision - to go ahead and get started on that fourth beer. It's amazing how this all works out, right? I feel like I'm now progressing through life with some direction and guidance, and much less stress. I encourage you to start thinking SMART-ly. Don't make life too complicated by making these crazy resolutions like "finding Jesus this year" or being "courteous to other drivers" = not good things to tackle. But don't let me stop you from deciding how to handle your issues however you feel; remember, you are the "decider" when it comes down to it. I thought about this entry, and came to the conclusion that it was a SMART task to undertake. Maybe I should make writing 1 blog entry a year a retroactive 2008 new year's resolution. It seems pretty smart, and after all, I've already achieved it. Happier already! Winner!